Short, but not so Sweet

Short, but not so sweet was what this pregnancy was. I was indeed pregnant, and am not anymore. Yesterday, I woke up with my underwear covered in blood (sorry if it freaks you out that I said underwear, but I can't think of any other way of phrasing it) When I went to the bathroom, there were blood clots (lots of them) And since Saturday night, I've been cramping. Hard. I'm not pregnant anymore.

I keep trying to think of what I did that might have caused it, like lifting too much at Subway or not exercising enough or sitting in the car too long Saturday or anything. Adam keeps telling me I didn't cause it, and I think he's right. Now that I've had all this, and plenty of time to think, I think the doctor was wrong on Thursday. I think that day I really WAS six and 1/2 weeks, and that there was just something wrong. I should have heard the heartbeat. I'm pretty convinced of all of this, but maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel better or something.

I talked to my counselor and his wife for almost an hour and discussed all the positive aspects of having a chemical pregnancy (I prefer that term to miscarriage, since I don't feel that I lost an actual BABY, just what was going to be a baby) like being able to finish my degree now instead of later and getting the Miata we'd been dreaming about (instead of the Taurus we started planning on). It's not the end of the world really. I would much rather find out something is wrong this early, before it has a heartbeat and is baby shaped and moving and all of that than later when it is and much harder to lose. As cliche as it is, there is a reason for everything happening, and I'm not upset. I cried when I thought of both of my sisters-in-law and my mother and mother-in-law and how excited everyone was, but that's just it. I'm more worried about how they'll feel and react than me, since I already know how I feel. The worst part of this whole chemical pregnancy stuff is the cramping and bleeding, not the emotional loss.

I hate to say that it was unplanned, since that has such a negative connotation, but really it was. And it wasn't the best timing either. Sure, we would have made it work, but now we're not rushed and worried. The insurance won't be a problem now, where it might have been before. School definitely won't be a problem now, where it was before. Getting out of debt will even be easier now, since we won't be having to pay for a baby at the same time. Granted, I'm not terribly thrilled at the thought of school, but I did say that I wanted a degree before I started a family, and now I get that chance, so I'm trying not to complain.

I don't mind so much complaining about the doctor's office, right at this moment. They have been a HASSLE!!! You would think that when a pregnant woman calls an obstetrical office saying she's bleeding large blood clots and having severe cramping that it would get noticed and taken care of right away. You would think, but it's not so. I called them seven, yes, SEVEN times today starting at 8:36 this morning and didn't actually talk to anyone useful until 4:53. Four freaking fifty three!!! I don't know whose job the receptionist was doing, because it was sure not her own. I didn't even talk to her at all until 4:15 and she said "You haven't been called back yet?" (My thoughts, but not what I actually said..,) Well, duh! Do you really think I'd STILL be calling wondering what the heck is going on if the nurse had called me? She called back at 4:30, saying the nurse would for SURE call me before the end of the day. At 4:50, still nothing, so I called the receptionist back (who by this time, was awesome, actually) and she went and tracked down the nurse and made her call me right there. The nurse was stupid, and it took every ounce of charity I've ever had in my lifetime not to tell her that. I told her about the bleeding, the huge clots, and the cramping and she said it still might not be bad (honestly? are you freaking kidding me?) and then asked about my last period and other details (with my freaking chart in her hands? she can't read?) and asked me if I was double sure that my period started in September. YES I'm double freaking sure when my period started, it was the day after we moved for crying out loud! Then she said, "Well, that's interesting, because going by dates, you're more like 9 weeks pregnant." Woman, you're a moron. I explained my many diseases and how it's impossible that I'm that far along, when the freaking doctor said I was less than 8 weeks on Thursday. YOU CAN'T GO BY DATES!!! Ack! SO, she said she definitely wanted me to come in tomorrow morning (I'd been freaking calling for 8 hours hoping they could get me in today, but at this point, I didn't care about much any more) so she walked back up to the front with the receptionist and they scheduled me an appointment. I'm probably going to miss my whole shift, but my 36-weeks-pregnant manager also sees this doctor and is anxious to hear what he says about it, so she doesn't care :) (how cool is that? :-D)

I've been working really hard to stop complaining about things between my counselor and my sister-in-law, but I don't know how to change how today happened. I totally could have had more patience, but I'm bleeding out my unborn child and I'm cramping worse than I ever have before, so I figure I'm lucky I didn't start cursing at them. I'll keep trying to have more patience and charity, but now is just not the best of times for me. :( I'm really sorry if this came out too whiny, but it definitely helps me feel better. I can't believe how long it's gotten, but I've been through rather a lot in rather not a lot of time. So, now you know why that weird little ticker is gone from the top and why this post alone will crowd all the others off the front page :-p

Thanks for reading this particular novel. Regular (happier) posting will resume soon!