I feel really bad about never updating this blog. I have a list of blogs that I follow regularly, and it drives me up a freaking wall when people don't update. One person hasn't updated her blog in 18 months! Why even have a blog?! Now, I'm one of those people who never updates!
It's been really hard coming to terms with the fact that pregnancy isn't all sunshine and roses for everyone. I assumed that since I wanted it so badly, and waited so long, that I would automatically love it. I've watched people get pregnant and have no idea what loss feels like; I've watched them take it all for granted and complain until the world looked level. I swore every which way that I would never, EVER be one of those people. An Infertile just knows not to take it for granted, and I generally consider myself to be of the Infertile frame of mind, even though I've never participated in the (huge) blogosphere there is for infertility. I knew that when it was finally my turn (this is yet something else that I still feel guilty about, but that's an entirely separate post), I would enjoy every second and it would be perfect and I would be different.
It's not. I feel like I'm just like the average pregnant woman, taking everything for granted (nothing like compounding the guilt, eh?) because I just want to scream that pregnancy sucks! My nausea not only didn't go away in the 2nd trimester (which has sometimes been referred to as the 'honeymoon' trimester--I'm assuming by some academic somewhere who's never experienced this before), but it's gotten worse!! I am nauseous all the freaking time!! I've vomited more in the last 5 weeks than I did in the entire first 13! It's supposed to be going the other direction! :( Food aversions are a touchy subject. The kitchen is the ground zero of WWIII every single day, when--no matter how full of food it may be--there is nothing that sounds good and I don't know what to eat. My stomach has felt like I've been doing crunches and sit-ups indefinitely for four weeks now and I can't even feel chicken nugget moving around in there to boot!
There is more, but I'll spare you. Suffice it to say that I am not turning out to be one of those women who just loves every second of pregnancy, and this has been a huge shock to my super naive system. I now know that while they still may take everything for granted, all those women who complained before have been way more justified than I ever imagined and I really need to cut them some slack. I am grateful, I really am. I've just been having such a hard time wrapping my brain around the fact that this is for real that I don't know how to feel it or express it and it's been easier not to write anything than to be even more whiny than I already am.
I've heard that your pregnancy will be similar to your mother's, and my mom told me she didn't feel any relief until her 5th month, so if mine is similar in that regard, relief should be on the horizon. They said the 2nd trimester would be better, so I held out. Now I'm holding out for the next few weeks to see if I'm like my mom or if it seems that this will be how it is until May. I just don't know how anything is going to go and I don't like the limbo. If I can think of anything intelligent to say and save enough energy to actually post it, I might start posting more again, but that's just another wait and see situation.
