Coming Up Soon

I've been kind of afraid of what I would type next, after my last post, but honestly, after that post, I physically felt better. Like I just needed to blow the steam and keep going. Of course I'm not giving up--what else is there to do but keep looking for a new job? It probably would have helped if I just had somebody to call, but I couldn't think of anyone at the moment, so I did the next best thing.

Part of it is my upcoming due date. Yeah, I know, I've been holding onto it for that long. As soon as I found out, I put my cute little countdown timer on my iGoogle page, but I never took it down as soon as I got myself unpregnant. Maybe it would have been easier if I had. I never really had much of that short lived, would have been pregnancy, and it didn't kick in until well after the event. I wondered how I would feel when it got to July. I've been pacing myself, with other pregnant women I know due about the time I would have been; even Adam didn't really know this until not too long ago. I keep thinking 'I would be here if...' or 'it would feel like this if...' etc. I keep reminding myself that I'm still relieved it happened, since a pregnancy is the last thing my diseased, overweight body needs right now. I'm not in any hurry to get pregnant again (well, I might think so, but it's like before, I only want to until I really think about it...or until someone says the abominable 'H' word) so now I have the motivation to get myself into shape and whatnot.

Of course my post sent up a red flag and a well meaning email, but I really think I just needed to blow the steam off and keep going. I did talk to a couple of guys at church who I think will help me with the rest, so I'm not that worried about it. Who knows, maybe it was part of the thyroid craziness--I haven't had any medicine in weeks! In my quandary with the endocrinologists vs the holistic MDs, I ended up off everything altogether! Sheesh! I think I know what to do, at least for the next 6 weeks.

Not to mention my big distraction (I told you I had them coming). Exactly 6 days from now, I will be arriving in sunny Ciudad de Panama! :) It's a two week school my mom and I are doing and I couldn't be more thrilled--with both the opportunity to go abroad and the fact that it's right in the middle of July, of all months, so I'll be preoccupied when the 14th comes and goes! It worked out very nicely indeed. Obviously, I won't come back fluent, but it should be long enough to get started for now. Hopefully it leads to going back (and other places) in the future and then I will be fluent! I am quite excited, but kind of scatterbrained at the moment. It doesn't really feel like I will be leaving the country quite soon! I have to go get things figured out--like suitcases and whatnot (I just used that twice now!)

Infested

We're infested. Daggum fruit flies have taken over our entire apartment. Not just the kitchen, which you would traditionally associate with fruit and therefor the potential for fruit flies. Not just the dining room, which would also be associated with fruit on a fairly regular basis. The entire apartment has the daggum little bugs flying around making a nuisance of themselves.

Now before you all start jumping to any more conclusions about us being dirty slobs and whatnot, we're not. Could the place be neater and tidier? Certainly. Could we spend more time cleaning and such? Sure. But seriously, the place doesn't stink, it isn't covered in months worth of garbage, and you can even see the floor in every room of the apartment. Yes, every room.

The first time we noticed them we took the appropriate measures: we washed the (few) dirty dishes, washed the dish rags, swept, mopped, and generally tidied up. And the flies didn't go away. In fact, there are more now than ever. I am beginning to think that one of our neighbors went on vacation and left something sitting out on the counter that they shouldn't have left on the counter. Or something.

Anyway, I guess it isn't the most appealing of posts I could possibly imagine, but I've got some fun road rage posts coming down the pipe if anyone is keen.

I don't get it

There's a long intro story I don't really have time for, but over the weekend, we decided to re-vamp the job thing again, only much more seriously this time.

So Monday and today (had to do my stinky schedule yesterday and tomorrow) I used yellowpages.com and started calling places in and around one of our target areas (five counties should be big enough, don't you think? That's the six biggest cities in Arkansas.) Monday I was on fire and excited about it, but today has been discouraging. Right back to where we started! Can't anything go right for five seconds?

So, anyway, I just got off the phone with this guy who I don't think meant to be a jerk, but I just felt desperate all of a sudden and he was just so straightforwardly rejecting that I was in tears by the end of it.

I had a micro-epiphany earlier while Adam was home, but I've forgotten exactly what the subject was on (well, it was on the atonement and the Garden of Eden but I've forgotten exactly how that ties into Adam getting professional job help) and it doesn't even matter anymore. It's right back to square one. It feels like nothing matters. Nothing I do makes any difference. Not when I'm excited about it (aka Monday) or when I'm depressed about it (aka today) or the violent mood swing in between.

I give up. I want someone to be angry with me for giving up so easily. But, I also want us to get some help and we're not getting that either. I've tried to call places--be proactive right? God helps them who help themselves, right? Why can't we get any help?

There is no help for us.

A Year

Instead of being productive today, like I had dreamed, I sat down to check my email for a minute and started googling a topic that is really sensitive right now.

That was at 11:00 and it's now almost 1:00. I found a couple of interesting blogs and even added one. I did lots of thinking. Then, I ended up back on my own blog and for some reason decided to look at where we were a year ago. In June 2008 we only made four posts and they are mirror images to what June 2009 has been so far. Apparently it's a trend. I am not a happy person in June.

I am not really a happy person period though. I have enough reasons to be, but if you've noticed, I've not been pleasant to be around. It explains why I currently have no friends and may possibly never have any. I'm just not willing to give it up yet. I'm bitter about some things and I want some answers. All of the church-y mumbo-jumbo and people solving their problems hasn't helped. At all. I am not at that point yet. I guess I have a long way to go before I'm going to get to that point, so I will probably continue to remain unpleasant. Consider yourselves forwarned. I won't be in the least offended if you choose to stop reading and commenting. I really want to be a hermit and just hide from the world, so I honestly do not want to spread my unhappiness any farther than I already am. I don't have anything else to talk about on here, so that's where I'm stuck.

Of course, after June 2008, it got better, and I'm assuming the same thing will happen again. I still have all the same problems I did last year, it just seems they're first and foremost at this moment. The next six months should have plenty of distractions, but the time doesn't pass fast enough for me.

Until then, this is what you're stuck with. Sorry guys.

I Hate the World

And I wish it would go away!


I hate everything. I've tried typing this stupid post three times now. I just can't get it out. It shouldn't come out, but I want it to anyway.

There is no help and no end in sight. I just need a little vent, even though it doesn't do any good.

I just want life to stop for a little while, so I can go hide. I thought I had been doing okay without my meds. It's not like they help anyway.

I don't think anything could have prevented this. Too much at once.

I probably shouldn't blog anymore. I don't have anything nice to say. At all.

An addictshunz...

I definitely has it!


But, I'm not telling you what it is yet. I'm sitting on my secret. Well, at least 3 of you know my secret, but one for sure doesn't even read this, so I'm good. The other two (you know who you are) shouldn't say anything either. I've lately regressed a LOT farther than I care to admit and somebody's shadow is constantly hanging over me, reminding me I'm not as good as h/she is. I thought I'd made it past most of this, since I've been such good friends with said person for a little while now. But, a phone call soured me and now I don't trust anybody. That, and I'm not taking my medication either. I'm almost kind of surprised nobody has really noticed. I'm handling it better this time around, which I guess is good. The last time I did this (unwillingly, of course) I was angry all the time. This time (surprisingly, willingly choosing not to take it) I'm just more depressed and weepy and emotional. But I'm always like that anyway so nobody has really noticed a difference!

Amazing! But anyway, I guess I'm surviving. Work is kicking my butt, but I get my first real paycheck on Friday and I have a feeling it's going to feel amazing. I'm going to try and keep this up for a while. I don't want to do this forever, so why not get it out of the way now, while I'm young? My new found escape mechanism won't hold out forever, either. That's going to hurt. I've spent so much of the last year and a half focusing on reality and fixing it that hiding in another world has been so...refreshing. So, if I don't post, don't be surprised. I wonder if Adam will ever post again. A tiny part of me doubts he will, but all I have to do is forcefully remind him :) (that was supposed to be a joke...for the record...)

So, anyway, let's all go back into hiding now, whaddya say?